What. A. Week.
So this week has been hard for me some reason. I’m not sure if it is all the running I’ve been doing or the fact I’m still recovering from the public speaking or I’m just “in a funk”. Let me put on my “spiritual” hat and dust off my little soap box and allow me to entertain you with some feelings I’ve been having this week.
I struggle with the things that God calls me to do that I don’t enjoy or that I feel I’m not good at. It never fails that the enemy seems to always know this as well. Approaching Sunday of this week I had a lot of strange things go through my mind and a lot of strange feelings. I had never met so much internal opposition when thinking about Sunday and what Brad was going to have me talk about.
First I went through this thing where I didn’t know what I would say. Then I began to second guess my answer I gave in the creative meeting. After that I had a brief moment where I thought about never coming back to church (yeah… that came out of nowhere). It seemed as the days went by these negative thoughts piled on top of me. Finally during some, what I like to call, “downtime with God” I realized that clearly I was meeting opposition because this was something God wanted me to do.
You see, it was no accident I was standing in that office when the topic came up, it was no accident that the entire time Brad was sharing his feelings about the subject the thoughts of, “no, I don’t have those feelings” were going through my head. It was God’s plan for me to do all that. So finally last Saturday evening I decided that it was time to face that decision and face it with all I had inside.
First service I felt it didn’t go so well. I had no clue what I was saying and I think our timing was just off. I survived… Brad recovered it well and we got through the service. After a short conversation after the service I think Brad knew what to change and I had built up some confidence because I made it through without tripping, stalling or throwing up… so I figured I could go another round and be ok.
Second service my family was there, a lot of my friends from church was there and it was a full house. This time Brad threw me for a complete curve and put me somewhere near the end of his message. I walked up and sat there and looked out upon a lot of smiling faces. Then suddenly I had all the words I needed. Even when Brad asked me two or three questions I wasn’t ready for… the words just seemed to be there.
Third service I felt comfortable and shared with the small crowd there and was ok with it. After it was over, all I could think was, “THANK YOU GOD. I MADE IT.”
Monday morning I wake up and everything is crazy in my world. I’m going into the office at one of my clients, my home computer has fallen apart and my life is just crazy. Well… to make a long post, shorter, it just went downhill from there.
Thursday and after 12 hours of sleep I woke up to not feeling great. It was that feeling of being emotionally drained and maybe even spiritually drained. I was to film tonight for our Christmas eve video and Brad caught me on Facebook to chat for a minute. He asked if I would stay for youth and I made up a lame excuse that I had to work to give me an out. Well, I do have to work but it wasn’t like an hour was going to make a world of difference.
I got there tonight, late. I did my filming and our always energetic and funny Children’s Pastor, Pete, was setting up chairs for youth. As always Pete never asks for help and I told him I would help him without him asking. As we did this and Pete, in only the way Pete can, made me laugh – I decided I would stick around for youth.
Even though I stayed in the back and ran sound I found myself enjoying being there. Then I was reminded how much I loved working with Teens and Kids. After youth I talked to Pete and asked him if he needed help with our new Wednesday nights starting in January. He was excited to see I was interested. Looks like I’ll be helping out there too.
As I came home tonight and sat down to process my thoughts about the week and how I still feel defeated I was quickly reminded of the following three things:
- I’m doing what God wants me to do. Even if it isn’t easy or “comes naturally” to me.
- I need to work with God and realize that I’m being broken in the process to change my life.
- When I’m down, I need to turn to my faith and remember that the road isn’t always easy.
Right now, here are the top 6 songs that I’m into right now. I thought I’d change it up and quote from each some things that have jumped out to me.
- “In my darkest night, you brighten up the skies. A song will rise.”
Song of Hope (Heaven Come Down) by Robbie Seay Band
- “Every eye proclaim. The mercy of your name. On earth as it is in Heaven.”
As It Is In Heaven by Matt Maher
- “At the cross you beckon me. You draw me gently to my knees. I am lost for words, so lost in love, I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.”
Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle
- “I try to be so tough. I just not strong enough. I can’t do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me.”
Savior, Please by Josh Wilson
- “When I feel like caving in, My heart my soul is wearing thin. I just want to give up. Nothing at all seems at all to add up. Can you hear me Lord? My face is down upon the floor. It’s then when you whisper in my ear. Be still and know I’m here.”
Be Still by Story Side B
- “Look at these hands and my side. It swallowed the grave on that night. When I drank the world’s sin so I could carry you in. And give you life. I’m gonna give you life.”
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
I’m not sure that I’m ready for Friday to begin. Then again I am ready for this week to be done. I guess I just need some prayer. God and I have a lot to talk about tonight…
Night,
- JM
