Sweetly Broken
What. A. Week.
So this week has been hard for me some reason. I’m not sure if it is all the running I’ve been doing or the fact I’m still recovering from the public speaking or I’m just “in a funk”. Let me put on my “spiritual” hat and dust off my little soap box and allow me to entertain you with some feelings I’ve been having this week.
I struggle with the things that God calls me to do that I don’t enjoy or that I feel I’m not good at. It never fails that the enemy seems to always know this as well. Approaching Sunday of this week I had a lot of strange things go through my mind and a lot of strange feelings. I had never met so much internal opposition when thinking about Sunday and what Brad was going to have me talk about.
First I went through this thing where I didn’t know what I would say. Then I began to second guess my answer I gave in the creative meeting. After that I had a brief moment where I thought about never coming back to church (yeah… that came out of nowhere). It seemed as the days went by these negative thoughts piled on top of me. Finally during some, what I like to call, “downtime with God” I realized that clearly I was meeting opposition because this was something God wanted me to do.
You see, it was no accident I was standing in that office when the topic came up, it was no accident that the entire time Brad was sharing his feelings about the subject the thoughts of, “no, I don’t have those feelings” were going through my head. It was God’s plan for me to do all that. So finally last Saturday evening I decided that it was time to face that decision and face it with all I had inside.
First service I felt it didn’t go so well. I had no clue what I was saying and I think our timing was just off. I survived… Brad recovered it well and we got through the service. After a short conversation after the service I think Brad knew what to change and I had built up some confidence because I made it through without tripping, stalling or throwing up… so I figured I could go another round and be ok.
Second service my family was there, a lot of my friends from church was there and it was a full house. This time Brad threw me for a complete curve and put me somewhere near the end of his message. I walked up and sat there and looked out upon a lot of smiling faces. Then suddenly I had all the words I needed. Even when Brad asked me two or three questions I wasn’t ready for… the words just seemed to be there.
Third service I felt comfortable and shared with the small crowd there and was ok with it. After it was over, all I could think was, “THANK YOU GOD. I MADE IT.”
Monday morning I wake up and everything is crazy in my world. I’m going into the office at one of my clients, my home computer has fallen apart and my life is just crazy. Well… to make a long post, shorter, it just went downhill from there.
Thursday and after 12 hours of sleep I woke up to not feeling great. It was that feeling of being emotionally drained and maybe even spiritually drained. I was to film tonight for our Christmas eve video and Brad caught me on Facebook to chat for a minute. He asked if I would stay for youth and I made up a lame excuse that I had to work to give me an out. Well, I do have to work but it wasn’t like an hour was going to make a world of difference.
I got there tonight, late. I did my filming and our always energetic and funny Children’s Pastor, Pete, was setting up chairs for youth. As always Pete never asks for help and I told him I would help him without him asking. As we did this and Pete, in only the way Pete can, made me laugh – I decided I would stick around for youth.
Even though I stayed in the back and ran sound I found myself enjoying being there. Then I was reminded how much I loved working with Teens and Kids. After youth I talked to Pete and asked him if he needed help with our new Wednesday nights starting in January. He was excited to see I was interested. Looks like I’ll be helping out there too.
As I came home tonight and sat down to process my thoughts about the week and how I still feel defeated I was quickly reminded of the following three things:
- I’m doing what God wants me to do. Even if it isn’t easy or “comes naturally” to me.
- I need to work with God and realize that I’m being broken in the process to change my life.
- When I’m down, I need to turn to my faith and remember that the road isn’t always easy.
Right now, here are the top 6 songs that I’m into right now. I thought I’d change it up and quote from each some things that have jumped out to me.
- “In my darkest night, you brighten up the skies. A song will rise.”
Song of Hope (Heaven Come Down) by Robbie Seay Band - “Every eye proclaim. The mercy of your name. On earth as it is in Heaven.”
As It Is In Heaven by Matt Maher - “At the cross you beckon me. You draw me gently to my knees. I am lost for words, so lost in love, I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.”
Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle - “I try to be so tough. I just not strong enough. I can’t do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me.”
Savior, Please by Josh Wilson - “When I feel like caving in, My heart my soul is wearing thin. I just want to give up. Nothing at all seems at all to add up. Can you hear me Lord? My face is down upon the floor. It’s then when you whisper in my ear. Be still and know I’m here.”
Be Still by Story Side B - “Look at these hands and my side. It swallowed the grave on that night. When I drank the world’s sin so I could carry you in. And give you life. I’m gonna give you life.”
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
I’m not sure that I’m ready for Friday to begin. Then again I am ready for this week to be done. I guess I just need some prayer. God and I have a lot to talk about tonight…
Night,
- JM
6 Comments to “Sweetly Broken”
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Oh Johnny. I am so sorry that I spent all of Thursday talking about me and my feelings. i do appreciate you talking to me, but you know I would like to hear you too. I guess I didn't catch the hints you were dropping. Like everybody is too busy to talk to me.
Dear Friend…first let me say that you will have my prayers! I know how that feeling of dread can come from nowhere and nearly incapacitate you, and I know you are right. It is the enemy who tries to drag you down. He knows that you have something to say that someone else needs to hear, and he'll do anything to try to keep you from saying it. On Sunday, I was one person who was shaken by God's goodness and your willingness to share your story. Brad's sermon and your story where two in a million pieces that have come together for us in the last few weeks, and I was grateful. God used you, friend. Let that sink in for a minute…God used YOU. Can there be anything more powerful than that???
Allow me to be a "mom" for a minute and caution you to be careful that you don't spread yourself too thin. Brad can tell you that he has seen what that has done to me in the past, and it isn't pretty. Take care of yourself, and if you need to, take some time to allow the church to pour back into you what you have so freely poured into the lives of others. We all need to be filled up, and God will send exactly what you need at just the right moment.
I'm moved by your honesty and your courage, John. You are a special young man, and I'm so happy that Mike and I (and Brian) have you in our lives!! Hugs.
Dear John – I am sorry to hear about your doubt & having a hard time this week. Please know you will be lifted in my prayers. I also think that you did a great job, and I was proud of you and blessed to hear you give your testimony to your fellow church members. You should be even more proud because you not only gave testimony to God's glory about your life, but you conquered one of the greatest fears in the world…speaking in public! I was corporate trainer and we had to teach weeklong classes on public speaking to get people over it. God does not bring you to it unless he can bring you through it my friend. Your amazing life and story were custom crafted by Him to one day meet the needs of others and help bring others to Chris because of the exact circumstances you have lived through. Have faith that you are being used PRECISELY how God intended you to be!
I spent 13 years in the military and learned the hard way about spreading yourself too thin. There is no shame in having to say no sometimes if you are taking on too much. Do what you can with what you have, but everyone, myself included, needs to recharge our own batteries sometimes. Every warrior takes time for reflection and worship before battle, and we all need that in today's world too.
I too thank you for your honesty of words and heart John. I am proud to call you my friend and my brother in Christ. I also have to say that you have GREAT taste in music! I have a few song versus I would like to share with you as well:
"Call My name say it now, I want you to never doubt, The love I have for you is so alive." – Call My Name, Third Day
"Are you carrying the weight too much? Are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah. You can rest, you will find rest." – Let It Fade, Jeremy Camp
"I'm not The only one who feels like this. I've got a few others around me. Its never easy. But if you believe that there is hope then sing it with me!" – Friend Like That, Hawk Nelson
My friend, you are an amazingly gifted God-lover and He loves you more than you can fathom. When you doubt yourself, trust Him; it's in your weakness that He is made strong. Even when you can barely lift your head, the Father is thrilled that you even attempt to to look up to Him and do what you know will please Him. There is grace for where you are right now. The past couple weeks especially have been a whir of emotions and it takes time to process. Give yourself permission to rest in Him and heal, re-group, and soak it all in.
We sang Sweetly Broken last Sunday and our worship time was off the hook. Those lyrics are annointed.
Hang in there John Massie John Massie. You are loved.
Shawna
Chin up, peddle down and know that God is on your side as am I brother!
Hey, I don't know you personally. I'm simply a fellow sister in Christ. I came across this blog while searching for lyrics to the song Savior, Please (all six of those songs you listed have touched my life in some way also). I wanted to let you know that I could sympathize with alot in your note, and was truly touched. As I lift up special prayers for you…whatever you're going through in life right now…I'm in awe of how God works through the Body of Christ; through the Church. Thank you for blessing my day. May you find peace in His presence, and always have an open heart to His leading. I pray that He blesses you with His joy and assurance of the reward. God bless!